God is instructing Adam and Eve as to the one important rule and declares “You may eat from any tree in the garden but do not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you do, you shall die.” then turns to Emmie and says “Did you get that?” to which Emmie replies “Of course Lord, they don’t call me a Legal Document Assistant for nothing!”
“Four score and seven years ago, Emmie was a Legal Document Assistant” to which someone in the crowd yells “Who the fuck is Emmie?” and Lincoln shrugs and raises his hands as he replies “I’m not sure, I think some chick on Wire maybe” to which someone else yells “What the fuck is Wire” and Lincoln replies “Rumor has it that it’s a Canadian social network site” then the inevitable “What’s social networking?” and Lincoln replies “What the fuck is this, 20 Questions? I’m a President, not a goddamn encyclopedia.”
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Lets turn the clock back to the year 1215, Emmie sits within earshot of the king, legally documenting every aspect of the Magna Carta and when finished writing it all down, he asks “You have notated every word, what do you think of all this?” and she says “Well, as a Legal Document Assistant, this was one of my biggest jobs to date, but clause 61 may be problematic for you.”
Scene fades and then refocuses on a young woman tied to the stake. It’s May 30, 1431 and just about the time the fire is to be lit, Emmie scurries up and unties Joan of Arc and once again performs a massive hip check, bumping her to the side, then asks someone to tie her up. As the fire starts, Emmie in those bonds of impending death, looks to the sky and says “Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! I am a Legal Document Assistant” as Joan of Arc yells “You BITCH! You think you can come here and steal my thunder. ” as onlookers hold her back. Emmie looks at her and laughs as shesilently mouths the words “Technically it’s fire, dumbass.”
By this time, is anyone else besides me picturing da Vinci painting Emmie instead of the Mona Lisa. Imagine going to the Louvre and seeing her with a plaintive smile and the infamous title of the painting is not called the Mona Lisa, but instead it’s called. you got it. “Emmie, The Legal Document Assistant”.
Or how about the infamous Gettysburg Address with a twist
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